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Many Blessings to you and yours!

Patience is a Virtue

“Patience is a virtue”.  It’s interesting to me that we use these words commonly while we don’t really say “kindness is a virtue” or “honesty is a virtue” or “humility is a virtue”, even though they are.  I wonder if the reason we are so stuck on patience is because it is just really hard. 

When I was in college I worked at Home Depot as a cashier.  One day my line was particularly long and for whatever reason it was taking a while to ring thru the customer I was serving.  As I continued working with the customer in front of me, the female customer next in line was getting noticeably more agitated and impatient.   Finally, in a not so graceful moment, I turned to this woman and said with a degree of force, “be patient”.  Be patient.  Two simple words that are so unbelievably hard to live into. 

Being patient requires that we accept where we are and acknowledge where we are as an okay place to be.  Accepting where we are spans an enormous array of degrees from accepting our place in the grocery line to accepting our place in life… our place in relationships.. in work.. in recovery.  By being impatient we are saying that there is something wrong about where we are or who we are with or what we are doing.  Sometimes it feels like there is definitely something wrong about where we are or who we are with or what we are doing and so irritation, anger, or disappointment arise in us manifested as impatience.  Makes sense.  Impatience makes a lot of sense.  I get it, and yet, I wonder how useful it is.

Getting upset about being stuck in traffic has never made traffic move any faster or me feel any better.  Fretting incessantly about not having a job when I was unemployed didn’t appear to increase the number of interviews or offers I received.  There is something about patience to me that says where you are right now, whether or not it is where you intended to be, is okay.  It’s acceptable.  It’s enough.

When I release the impulse to change the circumstances I am in and to control the uncontrollable, I feel a settling within myself.. a settling of my body, mind, and soul.  I settle into the moment in front of me, normally by taking a deep breath, and merely allow myself to be.  Impatience seems to arise from all of the doing, the constant rushing, we are so apt to make a habit out of our lives.  Patience requires being.  It requires mindful attention to our current place in life and a reworking of how we perceive that place. 

Although I highly appreciate and recommend watching this clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgeuCgODgv4, I believe true patience takes more than calmly waiting.  Calmly waiting is definitely a start.  But from there lies the invitation not merely to wait for the next moment to arrive but to appreciate and even celebrate this present moment.  Right here, right now. 

“As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life.”

― Gautama Buddha

New Years Intention 2014: "Love your neighbor as yourself".

"Love your neighbor as yourself". 

I have long been intrigued by this verse.  While popular, I often find these words to be misunderstood.  I hear people use these words to compel their loved ones to be kind, compassionate, and generous to others.  And while I wholeheartedly agree with this intention, I've witnessed many people live out these words to the neglect of themselves.  I've heard people say, "Scripture tells me to love my neighbor... it says nothing about loving myself".  I beg to differ.

The verse says: "love your neighbor as yourself", the imperative word here being "as".  The long form of this phrase would be "love your neighbor as you love yourself".  This means that in order to be kind, compassionate, and generous to our neighbor, we must first be these things to ourselves.  Think about it.  If you are invited to love someone as you love yourself this means that if you dislike yourself you are to dislike that someone, if you are cruel to yourself, then you are to be cruel to that someone.  Conversely, if you cherish yourself then to others you are invited to do likewise.  Love your neighbor as you love yourself.  This verse assumes that we love ourselves, which I find to be a rather large assumption.

I know a lot of people who are good at judging themselves.  I know people who criticize themselves or call themselves names.  I even know people who appear pretty self-satisfied on the outside but are masking an extremely low sense of self-worth on the inside.  I do know some people who kind of like themselves and are generally okay with themselves, but I know only a few people who really seem to accept and love their full selves, flaws and all.  

My yoga instructor this evening highlighted this idea when he admonished us to spend 2014 putting ourselves first, to move ourselves to "the top of the list" as he put it.  This isn't because he is secretly trying to breed narcissists.  It's because he knows deeply that if we are to have the energy, empathy, strength and passion that we so want to put back into the world we must first give it to ourselves.  We must nurture ourselves in order to nurture our loved ones... and our neighbors.  He also reflected that unless we love ourselves unconditionally, we cannot freely or aptly love others. 

I don't know what it looks like for you to practice loving yourself, or practice self-cherishing as I like to call it.  Perhaps it starts by forgiving yourself when you are sometimes impatient, or asking yourself what you really want to do on a Friday night, or taking 30min every day to do one thing that you deeply enjoy.  Whatever it may be, I encourage you to give yourself permission to do it and not apologize for it.

I think this world needs more people who aren't afraid of caring for themselves.  The people I know who practice taking care of themselves are some of the most genuine, generous, and delightful people I have been blessed to come into contact with.  Maybe it's because learning how to love themselves opened them up to loving others, including me, wholeheartedly.

As for me, what do I want for 2014?  How am I going to practice self-cherishing?  I'm going to start with trying to lay down any residual guilt for being who I am, valuing what I value, or wanting what I want.  And then, I'm going to try to be intentional about making 2014 about creativity, courage, and compassion.  Why those three things, you may ask. 

Simply because I want to.         

Souls, Bodies, Spaces

As I ride home from my Uncle Paul’s funeral, I can’t help but think about what a strange week it has been.  It has been a week full of travel, grief, reconnection, and memories.   Walking into the church for the funeral, I was flooded with so many memories.  This is the space where we had first my grandma’s and then my grandpa’s funeral.  This is the space where my Goddaughter had first her Baptism and then her First Communion.  This is the space where many cousins got married. 

It’s weird the ties we have to spaces.  A friend once asked me where my holy ground is or has been in my life.  I considered how in high-school my parish was my sanctuary.  It was a safe place to be; a place and a community in which to bring my fears, my sorrows, my hopes.  Circle R Ranch, my camp, was once such a place of belonging, of safety.  I remember often sitting on the fence, watching the fog roll in, breathing in the cool, crisp air, feeling settled and grounded.  As I have gotten older, St. Ben’s, Haiti, Russell-Glover Farm and the Boundary Waters have all been my own personal holy ground.  Mostly, however, I think about home.

My parents’ home has been my sanctuary for as long as I can remember.  I never feel lost there.  Whether I’m living there or just visiting, somehow being home settles me… it brings me peace, comfort, a sense of release.  This could possibly be my last season of living there and as the time of me leaving approaches I realize it is accompanied by a tinge of sadness.  As my parents and I get older, it dawns on me from time to time that one day our home will no longer be our home.  We’ll say good-bye to this space.  I expect that saying good-bye to this piece of holy ground will bring as much grief and loss as saying good-bye to a body.

 

It is difficult saying good-bye to the body of someone you love; even when you trust and believe that their spirit lingers and lives on.  We will never again see that body smile or move.  We won’t feel the warmth of that body’s embrace.   We won’t hear that body speak.  The spirit will live on and yet somehow the body will no longer be ours. 

We mournfully say good-bye to Paul’s body and hopefully trust that his soul remains at peace.    

I’m glad that I am here and that I got to accompany my mom on this journey.  There is sadness, regret, and fear here, but there is mostly love.  Love of siblings, parents, children, cousins, grandparents and grandchildren, nieces and nephews, aunts and uncles. 

Love of souls, of bodies, of spaces.     

We are Worthy

In Tattoos on the Heart, Gregory Boyle writes:

       Mother Teresa told a roomful of lepers once how loved by God
       they were and a “gift to the rest of  us.”  Interrupting her, an old
       leper raised his hand, and she calls on him. “Could you repeat that
       again?  It did me good. So, would you mind… just saying it again.”

       Franciscan Richard Rohr writes that “the Lord comes to us
       disguised as ourselves.”

       We’ve come to believe that we grow into this. The only thing we
       know about Jesus “growing up” is that he “grew in age, wisdom
       and favor with God.” But do we really grow in favor with God?
       Did Jesus become increasingly more favorable to God, or did he
       just discover, over time, that he was wholly favorable?


Did Jesus just discover over time that he was wholly favorable? I think so.  I think Jesus was always wholly favorable and growing in favor was merely his own growing in recognition of this. Additionally, if God comes to us disguised as ourselves, this means that we are all wholly favorable, just as we are, from the day we are born until the day we die.

When I really think about it, this has to be true. Otherwise there would be a way to determine when you had reached the point of true worthiness. What would that look like? I will be worthy when I get the right job? Or when my parents or my spouse is happy with me? I will be enough when I graduate from school or I publish my first book? What’s the test? When do we get there? Or worse yet, there is the idea of assuming my own unworthiness based on the bad things happening in my life: I must deserve this illness or it wouldn’t be happening to me; this tragedy must be some sort of karma; if I were good enough, my parents wouldn’t be divorcing or my loved one wouldn’t be dying.

It seems to me that there isn’t a way to determine the point in our lives when we miraculously and finally reach the place of being enough, of being worthy… worthy of love, belonging, peace, joy, dignity. So, we either always are, have been, and will be worthy, or we aren’t and never will be. Somehow, with every fiber of my being, I just know it’s the first: each of us, with all of our imperfections, is born and remains wholly favorable, wholly worthy, no matter what.

I know this and yet, it’s so difficult for me to feel it sometimes. I am an expert at not feeling good enough, as if I have to do more so that people will like me, accept me, love me. I have to be more than me, to be enough for others.  Even today, I don’t have all of the answers on how to combat this. The almost unconscious idea that I must do something to grow in favor with God and others is so ingrained in me, that I struggle against it, despite intellectually knowing it’s not true.

I do know that sometimes, like the leper, I hold on to those moments from others when the sun shines through and I remember “I am loved. I am a gift” and I too say, “could you repeat that again? It did me good”.

What I am also realizing is that sometimes these moments from others come less than I need or want. What I am working on is saying those things to myself. Countless times over just this past week I have caught myself amidst a frenzy of one sort or another, I have stopped, taken a deep breath and said, “I am worthy”. I am beginning to stop the voices inside of me that say: do more, be more, be kinder, work harder, don’t be stupid. I am beginning to replace them with: You are enough, you are worthy, trust yourself, be kind to yourself.

I am at the beginning of my journey of discovering that I am wholly favorable: that there is nothing I can do to make God love me more or less. Since I have just begun, I can’t really say much about what affect it has had on me, although I am confident it will be pretty huge, but I do want to invite you to take the journey with me. I want to invite you too to remember that you are incredibly loved, incredibly worthy, incredibly whole, and incredibly enough, just as you are on this day, and every day of your life.

Together I hope and pray that we will grow in the knowledge that we have eternally been wholly favorable in God’s eyes. May we be reminders to others and to ourselves that we are worthy, that we are gifted and loved unconditionally. May we each lay down our shame and walk into life, gratitude, and joy.

Choose Your Own Adventure

Recently some friends of mine and myself have been struggling with uncertainty.  We have been entertaining the big life questions: how do you know what to do? where to live? who to be in relationship with? 

It seems to be a pretty common, human experience to feel a sense of importance about living this one life we have been given in a way that is meaningful.. that does our time here justice.  And the pressure, the insane fear that comes with that , is the idea that we might somehow mess it up.. we might make a mistake.. we might misuse our opportunity.  Robert Frost says: “two paths diverged in a wood and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference”.

But what if there are not merely two paths, but three, or six, or a dozen?  What if they are all more or less untraveled (they are surely untraveled by us), then how do we choose?  I think this fear of making a mistake, of choosing wrong, runs deep within our souls.  It can paralyze us into not choosing anything.

I’m not sure how many of you will relate to this, but when I was younger, we had these books called Choose Your Own Adventures.  How these books worked is that at every crossroads the main character came to, you as the reader got to choose what you wanted that character to do: to follow the bad guy or to go home? To take the bus or get in the cab with the stranger?  To go on the date or hang out with a friend? The books could end in a myriad of ways depending on the choices that you, the reader, made.  In all honesty, the amazing thing about Choose Your Own Adventures was that you could cheat…. you could read ahead, figure out if the path you were going to choose would lead to happiness or disappointment, abundance or loss, death or life, and you could choose accordingly.  Maybe no one else did that, but I remember acutely reading ahead to ensure that the path I was choosing didn’t lead to destruction before I settled on any choice.

And here is the difficult thing about being human: life is not a Choose Your Own Adventure book, at least not in this sense.  Sure, we get to choose our own adventure, each and every day.  However, we don’t get the luxury of reading ahead.  We can’t predict, we can’t know, we can’t cheat…. we can’t verify that this or that treatment, or career, or spouse, is going to lead to life and joy or death and despair.  We don’t have the comfort of knowing.  So, all we are left with is taking all the information we have, taking our emotions and our insights, and making a guess.. choosing the adventure that feels the most right, that feels hopeful, that feels best at that particular moment. 

Sometimes our choice works out.  Sometime, instead, the result is more painful than we could have every imagined.

Amidst this realization, amidst the discomfort of living in certainty, I have been searching for a silver lining.. for some glimpse of hope.  All that I can come up with is this: the knowledge that we are not alone in this.

We are not the only person to ever be terrified of making a mistake, of messing up our one, precious life.  I am not the only person to be scared to my wits that I might marry the wrong person.. just as others are not the only ones to be fearful of going to the wrong college, or moving to the wrong state, or choosing the wrong career, or of turning off life support for someone they love.  Uncertainty, the helplessness that comes from not being able to know the consequences of choosing or own adventure ahead of time, is stifling, uncomfortable, excruciating at times. 

The comfort is that we are not alone.  That this is what it means to be human. 

As humans I do not think we are promised that this life is easy.  I do think, however, that we are blessed in the truth that we are not alone, that we are accompanied on this journey, however uncertain it may be.  

Today, perhaps we can move closer towards trusting that all will be well, we will be well, no matter what choices we make.  

Perhaps we can rest in the certainty that amidst our uncertainty, we are held lovingly, completely, eternally, just as we are.    

Forgiveness

Yesterday my supervisor told me, “forgiveness is letting go of wanting to re-write the past”.


This is SO true and SO difficult. To me it correlates with the phrase, “If I had known then what I know now…” Then, I would have been more compassionate. Then, I would have done things differently. Then, I would have let this person go sooner or held on to that one longer. Then, I would have moved or stayed, quit or kept going. The list goes on and on. Today I am wondering how helpful this “If…., then…” game really is.

It seems as if our gut reaction sometimes is to punish ourselves for not knowing things that we realistically only could have learned through experience. We blame ourselves for not having the wisdom and forethought in youth or adulthood that can only come with time. We get angry at ourselves, for what? For being human? How ridiculous that seems when said aloud.

And yet, I surely am not immune to berating myself for past imperfections, failures in judgment, or even for good decisions made with honest intention that simply turned out bad anyway. So, what does it mean to truly let “go of wanting to re-write the past”? How do we accept what has been and move towards forgiveness of ourselves and others? Further still, how do we learn not merely to accept the past but to bless it, to be thankful for it?

For me this looks like appreciating the wisdom, empathy, and patience that I am sometimes able to practice now, instead of dwelling on the times when I have not been so grounded in the past. For me it looks like cherishing the 21yr old scared, guilt-ridden, passive version of myself who was really doing the best she knew how to do at the time, instead of blaming her for not doing better. In order to bless my past, I must be grateful for the authentic, kind, purposeful intention with which it was carried out.

In order to re-write my past, I would have to re-write experiences that have taught me priceless lessons. In re-writing the past, everything I know and love and fear about my life at this moment, in this place, on this day, would be up for grabs. Would I be sitting here, in this office, with the sun beating on my back, and a cup of tea by my side? Who knows? In order to re-write my past I would have to forego my present. And my present, despite its’ imperfections, is beautiful and peaceful and everything I need and want right now. Not only is forgiveness letting go of wanting to re-write the past, but forgiveness is also accepting, blessing, and celebrating the present.

So, on this day, I choose to celebrate my past. I celebrate my present. I celebrate my future and all that it will be, whatever that is.

Hachi

Recently I watched the movie Hachi with my mom.  Hachi is based on the story of Hachi, a dog who lived in Japan in the 1920’s.  The story goes that Hachi as a puppy got lost at a train station where a Professor found him and took him home to provide him shelter for the evening.  When after several days no one claimed Hachi, the Professor’s wife agreed to allow the Professor to keep him.  There began a very unique relationship between man and dog.  Every day, Hachi would walk the Professor to the train station where he would board the train to go to work.  Hachi would go home during the day and when evening came and the Professor stepped off of the train to return home, there Hachi would be again waiting for him. 

One morning, Hachi walked the Professor to work as usual.  That sad day, however, the Professor had a heart attack, died and never returned.  Hachi waited patiently at the train station until late in the evening when finally someone came to retrieve him.  Over the next few days, Hachi escaped from his new home several times to return to the train station.  Finally, his new owners let him go.  The story goes that for the next nine years, Hachi waited every day at the train station for the Professor to return.  The passengers and employees of the station got to know Hachi and fed him and cared for him so that he could simply wait.  Eventually, Hachi died at the train station still waiting for the Professor.  Today there sits at that station in Japan a stone statue of Hachi. 

After watching the movie, I started thinking about who in my life would wait for me.. every day without fail.. to return, to come home.  Who in my life would sacrifice all other activities, places, people, needs, to simply sit and watch and wait for me.  That’s when I started thinking about God.

I realized that God is always waiting for me to come home… not necessarily simply in the eternal sense, not just when I die.. but that God is waiting for me to return to God’s side, daily… perhaps, minute by minute.  When I step away from the person I want to be..  when I struggle and question and doubt… when I fight and isolate…  when I feel all alone.. when I am joyful and grateful…  at all those times and many more, my Creator.. my loyal companion is simply waiting for me to return.  And God waits with the non-judgmental love and compassion of Hachi….  God waits not simply to judge us once we walk through those train station doors.. to ask us where we’ve been…  no, my God waits simply in order to rejoice at my homecoming.       

I believe this may be true for us all… no matter what we are experiencing this day, how hard life might seem, how truly alone we might feel, what if we could imagine and truly believe that around every corner there was an invisible Hachi just waiting to remind us that we are loved, we are valuable, we are enough, we are home.  

What if we could trust that the Universe would never abandon us and never give up on us.  

The Trees Today

Today I was asked to respond to this question:

What is your experience of God and how is it shaping your theology?

Here are my thoughts:

 

            As I sit in this coffee shop, I look out the window next to me to see a small bit of untamed land; a small piece of natural, quiet, beauty amidst the otherwise busy and commercialized Hennepin Avenue.  The trees there today look still and steady, claiming their space.  The leaves are vibrant: piercing flashes of red, orange, yellow and green on a backdrop of grays and browns.  I can’t really explain how such brilliant, lively, lovely color speaks to me of God, but it does.

            My experience of God is not only like those trees but it is those trees.  God is alive and present in all that is still and steady.. in my breath.. in this warm, unassuming mocha.. in the people in my life who love me through my faults.. in the voice inside of me that is also constant and claiming its’ space. 

            God is also alive in flashes of color.. in beauty.. in easy laughter… in a dog who welcomes me daily.. a home that exudes safety and confidence… in big, real hugs from children whom I love and trust.. in all the people and places that show up in my life in often surprising ways to teach me and remind me about change, vibrancy, honesty, mystery, joy, hope, beauty, life, and love. 

            Yes, perhaps my entire experience of God, the Universe, can be summed up in my experience of these trees, this mocha and this couch on this day.

            This awareness has and continues to shape my theology immensely.  Just as no one can claim to own these trees.. to have the right to them.. to possess them fully and uniquely.. so it is with God.  No one person, group, community, or religion can fully and exclusively own, express, know, or possess, God.  God leaves God’s self, open to be witnessed by all at all times.  In the same, God doesn’t demand our attention… God doesn’t debate for it or advertise…  God doesn’t fail to exist just because we failed to notice or respond.. God simply is. 

            God invites.  And the invitation is always open, at all times, in all places, to all people.  It is an invitation to be united to God, to make a connection, to glimpse and be grounded in the awe-inspiring beauty that God is.. and hence that we are too.   

Truth

Over the course of the last few years, I have realized that my spirituality has become very open. By that, I mean, I have come to appreciate and respect that no one dogma or doctrine or tradition or creed or faith has the monopoly on the Truth.


Initially this idea scared me. I had always thought that faith and Truth were an either/or… either yours is right or mine is. To a certain, logical extent, this makes sense. It makes sense because different traditions often have different ways of seeing the world and hence in a way they contradict each other… and so, it makes sense to wonder: how can two contradictory worldviews be simultaneously true?

Thinking in this way scared me because for the first time in my life it caused me to question: what if my way, my Truth, my beliefs, are the wrong ones? I think that it is this black and white, either/or thinking that traps people. It has a way of forcing people to cling to their beliefs so strongly, compelling them to use all of their energy, words and actions to win in the tug-of-war between us and them. It’s too scary and overwhelming to think everything you’ve ever thought to be true might be wrong or only partially true, so instead, you hold firm and tight and throw questions and accusations elsewhere.

Somewhere along the line, through Divine intervention perhaps, I came instead to adopt a both/and vision of faith.. both mine and yours can be true. Both mine and yours have value and importance. This rings more true for me, it is a worldview I can sleep with. My struggle, however, is how to hold this belief and simultaneously live in a world where the stakes are high and people are imperfect and hence hurtful. In essence, my struggle, is with this word “can” and what falls into that category.

People use their Truth in various ways to hurt others and limit others and oppress others, and that doesn’t seem right, it doesn’t feel right. Such views cause me to think that they don’t fall into the “can be true” category. But if I say that that Truth isn’t real, aren’t I back to deciding what’s right and what’s wrong? Who am I to say whose beliefs are really real and right and whose are wrong? Where do you draw the line? How do you hold an openness that promotes life, dignity, and freedom without leading to anarchy?

It almost feels as if my discomfort with those who are judgmental is in turn judgmental… I’m judging the judgers. So, in efforts not to do that, I let them be who they are, but then bad things happen and people are hurt. So, I try to be a stronger voice for humanity and then in the end it feels as if I am back exactly where I started believing that my way, my Truth is in fact right and those who don’t get it are wrong. Either you believe in that which is life-giving or you don’t, and if you don’t.. well, then, I don’t buy it.

It's all very interesting.  But is it true? 

Parting words of wisdom....

One of my favorite things to ask adults, whether recovering addicts at a homeless shelter or successful business men and women, is: if you could impart any wisdom, any advice, upon young people today, what would it be?

I’m afraid that if asked this question I would have way too much to say.

More than anything, I would remind them that they are gifted, they are beautiful, they are valuable.  They are not valuable just because of what they can do…. of how they can perform, of how intelligent they are, or how many letters they have on their Jacket; no, they are valuable just by merit of being the only them ever to exist.  They are valuable because they are made in the image of God and are a temple of the Divine spirit dwelling within them.

After that, I would say: life is hard and people are imperfect.  Good people die, bad people win, things happen that are out of your control and the world is messy.  Even so, life is worth it.  What matters most in life are not the things we accumulate, our possessions, our awards, what matters are our relationships.  People matter.  One good day, one good conversation that is honest, one true connection with another human soul can make all the other chaos more than acceptable. 

Our role on this earth is not to be perfect people so that bad things don’t happen to us.  Our role is to be the very best version of our self that we possibly can be and to wake up every day with the determination to try again to do the same.  Our role is to be grateful for the incredible beauty that surrounds us and to do our part to love one another.

Loving one another is hard.  (This goes back to the whole we’re not perfect thing).  But we try… and we remember that loving, forgiving, embracing, is way better than the alternative.  Every time I have loved another person, I have grown… I have experienced joy… I have been fulfilled.  Loving other people is worth it, even when they don’t love you back because loving other people reminds us about who we are and what we yearn for.   Be compassionate, empathetic, and nonjudgmental….  look for the good in people and the good you shall find.    

Loving ourselves is hard too.  Sometimes we are paralyzed with guilt.  In that case, we need to forgive ourselves…. we need to give ourselves a break and allow ourselves the right to be human.  Sometimes instead we cover our guilt with pride and refuse to admit our own shortcomings.  In these times, we need to develop the ability to laugh at ourselves.  We need to be able to admit our mistakes with grace and earnestness. 

Then there is loving God.  When we’re not sure how to love others or ourselves, loving God seems like an unbearable task.  So, start small.  Start with believing.  Start with believing in something bigger than yourself….  start with recognizing that the universe is large, and significant, and beautiful.  Start with believing that beyond everything you have ever witnessed and everything before and after you, there is something holding it all together… something to have created it all.  Start where you are and explore, question, doubt, etc., until you find yourself to a place of genuine conviction and Truth.  Never stop asking questions or taking steps on the journey.

Finally, and perhaps most important of all, trust yourself.  Learn to drown out all of the outside noise and listen to your own inner voice… the voice that is telling you who to be.  At the end of the day, the only person you can control is you and the only person you have to live with is you.  Be somebody you can live with… be somebody worth emulating… be someday that you can be proud of.  Don’t sell yourself short, follow your heart, dream big dreams, touch souls.

When I was working as a chaplain intern someone told me that the five most important things for someone to say before they die are these:  Thank you.  Please forgive me.  I forgive you.  I love you.  Good-bye. 

Do these every day whenever appropriate to whomever is appropriate.

That’s it, that’s all I got. 

For those to whom I have not said it enough: thank you.  Thank you for inspiring me, for changing me, for loving me. 

Please forgive me for the times I have not lived up to your expectations of me, for the times I have let you down. 

I forgive you for the time times you as well have been less than you could be. 

I love you, truly and deeply. 

And finally, good-bye, not forever, but for now until God wills our next encounter. 

Boundaries

Last night I had a conversation on the phone with one of my dearest friends.  We’ve been friends for over two decades which is a long time for someone my age.. perhaps it’s a long time for someone of any age.  In a matter of seconds, our conversation went from a mere sharing of stories.. of catching up… to her crying and me feeling immensely helpless to comfort her. 

In simple, she was crying because sometimes rules don’t make sense, and life is unfair, and people fail to be compassionate or reasonable or open.  In detail, she was crying because in a few months she is to be married to a man who isn’t an American citizen and his mother was denied a visa to attend the wedding.  She was denied a visa because our government fears that after attending the wedding, she won’t return home.. that she will stay here unlawfully.  And so, a mother is denied the opportunity to witness her only son get married.

It is interesting to me how boundaries get drawn.  For instance, who was the first person to ever hold up a flag, draw a line, and say, “this is mine and you can’t come here without my permission.”  And after that, who was the first person to accept that as reasonable… to agree that one human person could claim territory and own territory and sell territory.  I’m not sure I understand how anyone has the right to limit which parts of this vast, beautiful, unique world, one can visit and explore and be in awe of. 

Of course as I write this, I am sitting in my parent’s backyard… I am at the house that we have owned since I was two years old.  I love my house and I am glad that it is “ours”.  I am happy to have my own bedroom, my own things, my own space.  It makes sense to me that this is the way the world works.

What doesn’t truly make sense to me is how the world got divided.. how the world got divided into lands that formed countries, citizens, rules and regulations about who could go here and who could live there and who was and wasn’t allowed to buy property or attend their son’s wedding.  I don’t understand when being right and having control began to take precedence over being compassionate, and sensible, and human.   

One of my favorite parts of the Bible is the first creation story in the first chapter of Genesis.  God reminds man and woman that they are to be stewards over creation; that they are to enjoy it and be fulfilled by it and watch over it.  God gave us all the world; what an amazing and inspiring gift.  Often I think we have taken that gift and we have gotten greedy with it.  We have forgotten that we didn’t earn any of it, that perhaps we don’t deserve any of it, that it was a gift.  Instead, we cling tightly to the piece that is ours and we spend countless time and money making sure that no one else has a share in it without our permission.

It reminds me of a story that one of my professors told me in college.  He was talking about the way they sometimes try to catch monkeys in places like Africa.  Supposedly, they cut an empty coconut in half and inside they place an orange, then they glue the coconut back together.  After doing so, they drill a small hole in the coconut, small enough for a monkey’s hand to fit in but too small for an orange to come out.  Then they wait.  Sure enough, sooner or later, a monkey will come, stick its hand in the hole, and attempt to retrieve the orange.  It will stay there stuck, unable to pull the orange out.  It will continue to stay there even after it sees its captors closing in.  Unwilling to merely “let go” and give up the orange, it will allow itself to be caught. 

I think that perhaps that is a good analogy for our society.  We have a difficult time “letting go”… we don’t want to let go of our possessions, our land, our borders, our right to have things the way we think is best.  And so, we hold on tight.  In the mean time, we get caught.  We fail to realize that in holding on too tightly to such things, we lose ourselves.  In such instances, we risk losing our integrity, our joy, our fulfillment, our gratitude, our humility, our humanity.   We risk forgetting that there is something larger and more important than us. 

In the end, my friend and her fiancée will probably just end up having yet another wedding.  All will be well and they will move on.  Nonetheless, it saddens me. 

It saddens me mostly because in the past year alone I have been blessed to travel to Spain, Haiti, and Guatemala… not for a wedding, but just because I could and because I wanted to.  In each of those places I found immense beauty, joy, and hope.  I am saddened because while I am confident that those things can be found in the United States too… I am afraid that so many people from across the globe may never be allowed to see it. 

Being a Teenager is Hard

This past weekend I went on a retreat with a group of 6-8th grade students. After a mere 12 hours with them, I came to this conclusion: being a teenager is hard.

Over the weekend I shared that conclusion with some adult leaders by saying, “my conversations last night reminded me how hard it is to be a young person.” Immediately a parent in the room responded something to the effect of, “Oh my, don’t you just wish they would understand that things will get better when they get to high-school”?

Upon deeper reflection, I’m not sure this is true.

The Middle School students I met were struggling with everything from deceased parents to parents with cancer to parents in the military or other life threatening professions. They were worried about brothers being sent to Afghanistan and friends doing drugs and having sex. Some of them had self-image issues, eating disorders, and patterns of cutting. They told tales of excruciating, scary, painful things. So, yes, hopefully, they will get better.

Yet again, last night after the retreat I met with some high-school students. In one, low-key, average evening, these young people expressed concerns about parents fighting and possible divorce, being betrayed by friends for seemingly no explanation, the pressures of being financially accountable to their family during these precarious economic times. One of them was having surgery this week; another absent in preparation for her grandfather’s funeral. More scary, difficult things.

This past year in the life of adults I know, there have personal trials such as stillbirths of children and cancer of parents. There has been the fear of foreclosure and the loss of jobs. There has been the despair of loved ones not loving you back. And collectively, there has been shootings, and suicides, and war, and famine, and intense political negativity.

I guess the point is this: things seem to be difficult all around. And, I’m not sure that they get better as we get older. We have a tendency to criticize our young people for being, “dramatic”. I wonder, however, if it’s less of that and more that as we get older we become more desensitized to suffering. Certainly with age comes perspective and strength and emotional maturity, but perhaps it also comes with a tinge of apathy… with a quiet surrender to things that maybe shouldn’t be accepted as normative quite so easily.

The things is, 13 year olds should be scared of brothers going off to war and friends drinking alcohol in Middle School. And our obligation as adults should not only be to comfort them and support them but also to ask important questions. Questions like: What am I as an adult doing to promote peace in the world so that young men and women have no need to go to war? And, what is happening in our society that it’s acceptable and normative for young people to start taking substances long before their brains have developed?

Rather than promising our young people that things will get better merely because we hope they well mature into an acceptance of such difficult life circumstances, I wonder what would happen if we promised our young people that things would get better because we were committed to making that true. Because we were committed to making things change.

I am under no illusion that life is easy. I know that there will always be death and disease and accidents and tragedies. And yet, I am fairly confident that it is harder to be a teenager now than it was when I was a teenager, ten years ago. And so, I feel obliged to ask: what can be done? How can we help?

How can we instill hope in our youth so that they can approach tomorrow with strength and confidence and a bit of joy?

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You

Author Anne Lamott claims the two best prayers she knows are “help me, help me, help me” and “thank you, thank you, thank you.” How simple and complete these are.

Over the course of the past month or so, I have started a gratitude practice. This simply means that every night before I fall asleep I take the time to write down three things about the day that I am thankful for. The idea is to literally take the time to say: “thank you, thank you, thank you” in a very specific and intentional way.

At times, what or who I appreciate has been quite predictable: time spent with my nephews and niece, my dog, my friends, my students. Simple pleasures like a white chocolate mocha from Caribou, hot tubs, and The Bachelor. Beauty such as a starry night sky, an orange and pink sunset, and Lake Calhoun.

At other times, I have been surprised about what I have found to be thankful for. Like the day that I forgot my purse at work and had to drive all the way back from home to get it. That day I was thankful that such an inconvenience was the worst thing I had to complain about. There was also the day I was thankful for having the courage to talk to my supervisor about a desire I have; whether or not my petition was granted was irrelevant, I was simply grateful that I took action to ask. Last night I was thankful that before sharing a meal with friends, we took the time to hold hands and bless our food as well as those who go without; such a simple thing, and yet, so refreshingly comforting to me.

Some days it’s easy to be thankful: like the day that a stranger bought me breakfast when I didn’t have cash and the seller didn’t take credit. Some days it’s more of a challenge: such as the day when an old schoolmate got in a serious skiing accident and had to have his lower leg amputated. That day I was simply thankful that I have my health…. and I realized that that is something I take for granted all too often.

I’m not sure that saying “thank you” to God, to the universe, to the people, places, and events that make my life meaningful changes anything about the world around me. However, I do think it changes me. It is something I can control… and it helps me to look for the good. It helps me, as Oriah Mountain Dreamer says, to, “see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday.”

Upon reflection, I wonder how often I am vulnerable enough to say, “help me, help me, help me”. For the most part, I like to think that I have pretty good control over my life. I am a self-proclaimed “over-functioner”. This means that when the world seems to be falling apart, I don’t let myself fall apart with it… I keep on, keeping on. I go to work, pay my bills, walk my dog. I function.

Functioning is important. And yet, so is having the courage to admit, “I can’t do this all on my own” or better yet, “I don’t have to do this all on my own”. Sometimes we need to admit that we are lost, or confused, or scared, or sad or angry. Sometimes we need to ask for help with heavy, significant things that we are struggling to accept or navigate.

At other times, maybe we would do well to ask for help with little things: such as for patience when sitting next to particularly loud traveling companions on an airplane. We can close our eyes, breathe deep and say, “help me, help me, help me”.

And, at still other times, perhaps, we would do best to ask for help in receiving that which we most want out of life. St. Ignatius says that at the beginning of each prayer you should ask God, “for what I want and desire”. Sometimes we don’t realize what we want until we take the time to truly put it into words. Sometimes trusting the heavens to help us in our quest to find that which we truly desire is the best, and maybe only, thing we can do.

I’m sure that there are countless ways to pray and access the Divine. I know I have some favorites of my own. But I have to think there is something to what Anne Lamott has said.

I have to think that if the only prayers we ever said were, “thank you, thank you, thank you” and “help me, help me, help me,” frequently and sincerely, that those might just be enough.

To Confirm

One of my many roles in the parish in which I work is as Confirmation Coordinator. It is around this time each year that I find myself amidst preparing 75-85 adolescents for their Confirmation into the Catholic Church.

Admittedly, when I started in this position I did not have a very deep sense of what this sacrament is all about. Of course I had been confirmed myself and I had even been a sponsor on more than one occasion. Even so, its’ significance wasn’t much more to me than as a rite of passage.. something one does when they get to be about 15 or 16 if they plan to continue on their faith journey. It should not come as much of a surprise to me, then, that this is approximately the amount of knowledge and understanding that my students and their parents have about this sacrament as well.

It seems obvious that in order to teach, one has to know, and hence, my understanding and appreciation of this sacrament has grown immensely over the past four years. In coming to realize that Confirmation entails truly “confirming” one’s faith, it has been important to me that my students have a real understanding of what the faith is that they are confirming. It has become important to me that upon reaching their Confirmation day, my students are able to articulate how exactly their beliefs and values stand on their own, apart from the beliefs and values of their parents, Godparents, sponsors and even me. If confirmation is about a commitment to live out those values for the rest of their lives, I want my students to be sure that they are values which they freely and wholeheartedly choose to commit to.

This being my logic, we spend a good amount of time talking about faith; the real, personal, experienced faith of these young people. And, in order to talk about faith, it seems only natural to me to talk about doubt. Apparently this jump, what I’d call a step, to doubt, is concerning for others.

I have come to realize that many faithful adults are afraid of the word “doubt”. It almost feels as if people are concerned that God’s psyche is too fragile to handle our doubts and questions… that somehow through our searching we will offend God and lose God’s grace.

This trepidation became apparent to me early on in my ministry when I came across a parent who wondered why we didn’t confirm students when they were in eighth grade. The implication was, “why don’t we confirm students when they are younger, while we still have control over their lives”. I think many parents share this sentiment: that it would be better that we confirm our young people before they have a chance to think for themselves.. before they begin to question.. before they begin to have competing priorities.. before they get too busy for God. Even at 15 and 16, so many of my students admittedly still have no better reason to be confirmed than because “someone is making me”.

I understand the pull to get confirmed because “that’s what you do when you’re Catholic”. But, if that is our only reason, if we treat this sacrament entirely as a rite of passage, if we do it without thinking about why, or what we believe in, or how we mean to live it out in our lives, than it is no wonder that so many youth grow up to become adults who leave the Church. They leave the Church because they weren’t really “thinking for themselves” when they entered in the first place.

One of my favorite quotes on this subject is from Benedictine Sister, Joan Chittister:

The problem with accepting truth as it comes to us rather than truth as we divine it for ourselves is that it’s not worth dying for—and we don’t. It becomes a patina of ideas inside of which we live our lives without passion, without care. This kind of faith happens around us but not in us-we go through the motions. The first crack in the edifice and we’re gone. The first chink in the wall of the castle keep and we’re off to less demanding fields. Doubt, on the other hand, is the mother of conviction. Once we have pursued our doubts to the dust, we forge a stronger, not a weaker belief system. These truths are true, we know, because they are now true for us rather than simply for someone else.

All around me I see people, young and old alike, who have faith happening around them but not in them. I see people who are so scared to doubt, that when pressed to justify their beliefs they have no better response than, “that’s what the Church teaches” without any real understanding of why or for what purpose. This kind of faith works for many people. But for others, at the “first crack in the edifice”.. the first time tragedy strikes.. the first time a loved one dies.. the first time they enter a philosophy class.. the first time they meet someone passionately invested in a faith other than their own.. and they’re gone.

I would rather that we invite and even encourage deep personal reflection, replete with doubts. I would rather we take the chance that in so doing, some people may walk away, but more will “forge a stronger, not a weaker belief system”. When I look around the world, I am convinced that we need less lukewarm believers and more people wholeheartedly confirmed in a faith of hope, compassion, love, and justice.

When I look at my young people, I pray that they have the courage not merely to “conform”, to accept truth as it comes to them, but instead to “confirm”… to confirm truths that are true for themselves not simply for someone else.

Genius

Recently I listened to a TED talk where author Elizabeth Gilbert explained the genesis of the word genius (http://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_gilbert_on_genius.html). She talked about how in ancient Rome people were described as “having a genius” not “being a genius”.

A “genius” to be had was something outside oneself; some deeper inspiration with almost a divine like quality which could inhabit a person and manifest itself through moments of marvelous creativity or wisdom. Thus great poets, and philosophers, and dancers, etc. were considered to have a “genius”.. a spirit which moved through them and used them as the vessel for something beautiful and otherworldly.

Through history, however, we began to think of people as being geniuses rather than having them. We placed the human on a pedestal as the essence of supreme intelligence, rationality, and creativity, instead of merely the vessel for them. In turn, we have both lost some of our humility and placed ourselves under an almost unachievable amount of pressure. In forgetting to praise the gifts of divine inspiration and intuition, we’ve closed ourselves off from inviting them into our being. We’ve lost our connection to the sacred inner soul that connects us all.

It’s interesting that Albert Einstein, undoubtedly one of the greatest “geniuses” ever to exist, once said: “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.”

I can’t help but think how true that is. Our rational mind is supposed to be something that serves our intuition, our conscience, the divine energy that rests within us. Instead, we are conditioned to believe that we must suppress our emotions, our gut feelings, and be “rational”. I wonder how much we lose and miss in the process.

If Einstein is correct, then our intuitive mind is a gift, a genius that we are blessed to carry. Our intuitive mind is supposed to free us to live this life with greater ease and authenticity. It helps us direct our rational mind into doing those things which will be most life-giving, fruitful, and meaningful for us. When we forget that, then we risk losing our passion and joy in efforts to do only what we are “supposed to”, what is “logical”.

Our rational mind serves a necessary purpose: it helps us to function successfully in the world. Often times it protects us and gives us defined boundaries within which to act and be. But the truth is that sometimes what is most healing for us, what we deeply need, what will bring us life, isn’t necessarily rational. Just as much as our rational mind serves a distinct purpose, it also has the propensity to stifle creativity and movement.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s not why people hold so tightly to long held beliefs about society, and politics, and God. All around me I listen to people fight about the economy, and homosexuality, and rights for the poor. And I think it makes sense that so many people struggle to uphold the way things have always been. Our rational mind tells us:

This is the way we have always done things, we have done them for a reason. And, this is the way we have always believed, we have believed this way for a reason. We are the genius and so we know, this is the way the world works.

It makes sense to think like that. It’s safe. It’s rational. It serves to provide us with known boundaries within which to exist.

And yet, how many of us are quieting our intuitive mind in order to live like this? I feel confident in saying that my intuition, at least, tells me:

Just because we have always done things this way, doesn’t mean it’s right. And just because this is the way we have always believed, doesn’t mean it’s true. This is not the way the world has to work; this is simply the way we choose to make the world work for us. We are not the geniuses, but sometimes we are gifted to have geniuses.

My fear is that if we stop honoring the genius that deigns to visit us from time to time, then maybe, eventually, it will stop visiting. My fear is that if we don’t stop honoring the servant and forgetting the gift, then the gift might disappear altogether.

So today, for my part, I choose to honor the sacred gift of my intuitive mind. I choose to appreciate the genius who periodically shows up within me to offer me guidance, and creativity, and wisdom.

I choose to say, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," over and over again.

Happy here, in the moment

I am not afraid to admit that one of my favorite movies is, “Reality Bites” starring Winona Rider, Ethan Hawk and Ben Stiller.

For those of you unfamiliar with this epic love story, towards the beginning of the movie, Winona’s character, Lelaina, is on a first date with Michael played by Ben Stiller. Towards the end of the date, Michael says, “do you ever have those moments in life where everything is OK? Do you know what I mean? Just for, like, one moment, everything is great.” Lelaina replies, “yeah... yeah. When you, like, catch yourself in a moment... and you're saying, wait, I'm happy here in the moment.” “Right. And then it just goes away really quickly.”

Well, I had one of those moments today.

It was about 6:30PM and I had just gotten home from a day of visiting family and running errands. It was my first full day off in over three weeks so I was understandably tired and slightly overwhelmed with life.

Despite feeling a bit run-down, I was excited to take my dog on a walk. Over the previous couple of hours it had started snowing, unexpectedly, and he loves the snow.

I got into the house, put down my groceries, turned the oven to pre-heat, and put Frost’s collar on so that we could venture outside.

As soon as we got outside, he literally started bounding across the driveway. As I quickly trailed along behind him, I paused a moment to take it all in. The sky was darkening; the air was refreshing and inviting. The snow was falling brilliantly and landing gracefully on top of trees and roofs and grass and asphalt.

Have you ever noticed how snow glitters like hundreds of diamonds scattered in every direction? Snow sparkles in the moon just as water glistens when captured in sunlight. And snow landing upon Frost’s white back made him glow like he was his own eternal being.

So, I walked along and I breathed in this immense beauty and I couldn’t help but think, “I’m happy. Wait, pay attention, in this moment, I’m truly happy.”

And I know that moments like those do pass all too quickly. Outside of that moment are all sorts of realities that I wouldn’t choose for myself if given the chance: like the fact that no matter how much I try to save, I always feel as if I am broke; or that I truly think our country might be falling apart and I have no idea what to do about it; or the acknowledgement that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I am yet again single.

There are plenty of things to stress about or fight against.

But, despite all of that, tonight I caught myself in a moment of real clarity. I took a deep breath in and tried to catch a snowflake on my tongue. I walked confidently and comfortably and thought to myself: I am happy. I am okay.

Sometimes, that is all that you need to keep on keeping on, as they say. All you need is one moment to remind you that you are okay exactly as you are, where you are in life…. one moment of stillness and quiet amidst a world of movement and noise.

The truth is: I bet I have those moments more often than I realize. The failure is in taking the time to catch them.. to pause enough to notice and appreciate them. It seems so much easier to catch yourself in moments of pain, and disappointment, and fear.

It reminds me of something a friend said to me several years ago. I was complaining about not having the love relationship in my life that I wanted and he wisely responded, “You have an amazing love life, it’s just not the kind you’re looking for.” It was a reminder to me that instead of focusing on the one love relationship that I didn’t have, I could choose to focus on the many beautiful relationships I did have… the many people who did truly love me and whom I loved in return.

It’s the same with happy moments: we can choose to focus on all the things that don’t seem to be going right, or to focus on all of the things that are indeed good and beautiful and just as we feel they should be.

So, on this Valentine’s Eve, I am presented with a choice. And I choose to breathe in the deep, clean, crisp air of winter and smile in appreciation of my own amazing love life.

I choose to catch myself and say, “Wait, I’m happy here in the moment”.

Frost

I have a 75lb American White Shepherd name Frost. He’s big, white, furry and very loud. To pretty much everyone else in the world he’s a nuisance.. he’s invasive, annoying, anxious, and basically just too much for anyone to handle. At least once a month, someone asks me why I don’t just find another home for him. Why do I keep him? Sure, my life would be easier. It would be a lot simpler and less confined if I didn’t have another creature to take care of, especially one as large and difficult as he is. But here’s the thing….

Frost saves me. Daily. Sometimes life is crazy and uncontrollable. Sometimes the world is scary and not what you hoped for or expected. Sometimes you need someone to remind you that you are in fact not alone and that everything is going to be okay, after all.

For me, that someone is Frost. I keep him for the ten minutes every morning when he lies next to me, completely quiet and still. It’s the time when he licks my face and let’s me pet him. It’s the time where he reminds me that I am loved and that he has my back.

The last few years of my life have been full of unchartered territory. It’s been a time of growth and renewal; mistakes and confirmations. It’s been a time of reorienting myself to the world and regaining my footing.

Prior to that time was more confusion.. darkness… aloneness.. lostness. I keep Frost because during that time, he kept me sane. He reminded me what it was to care for another being. He reminded me what it meant to be in relationship. He assured me that I was indeed not alone.

There’s a cheesy quote that I happen to adore which says, “To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world." That’s how I feel about Frost.

He makes me feel like I am his world, and some days, that’s all I need to get up and continue functioning. That’s the presence and affirmation I need to open myself up to life, and love, and the world.

Of course, in the end, I also keep him because I know his failures are not his fault. He’s not well behaved, because I didn’t train him. He does whatever he wants, because I let him. And truly, I’m okay with that. We have a deal, Frost and I, he welcomes me and loves me unconditionally, and for that, I allow him leeway to be less constrained.. to be more like himself, and less like the confined version of himself that everyone else wants him to be.

That’s really the lesson that these last few years have taught me.. that there’s plenty of people in your life that are going to do what they can to mold you into the version of yourself that they like or can use best. And, your purpose is to do everything you can to ignore those voices (and sometimes commands) and do everything you can to be the best version of yourself that you like… that you can live with.

Frost and I have a deal. It’s to love each other unconditionally.. and to allow each other to be ourselves; truly and freely.

I like our deal and I don’t really care if anyone else gets it.

Machumane

Yesterday one of my students arrived in South Africa for her semester abroad. This of course makes me think about my semester abroad; my four months spent living in Africa. Today, I remember the time I met a Sangoma.

A Sangoma is a witch doctor. For most Americans, the closest we will ever come to meeting a witch doctor is seeing one on t.v. ... in which case we will most likely assume that he or she is crazy, or uneducated, or a con-artist. This, at least, is what I would have thought until I met Machumane. I met Machumane after having lived in South Africa for just over three months. During that time I had learned to let go of most of my expectations and ideas about the way the world works and what truth and normalcy are. I am telling you this simply so that you understand that when I met her, I was more disposed to be open to her than I would have been even a short time earlier. This being the case, I fully understand if you now reading this think I am crazy for telling you that I once met a witch doctor and I believed her.

Machumane received a calling to be a traditional healer when she was seven years old. Receiving a calling is not like choosing to be a teacher or a lawyer; there is less choice involved, less freedom. In fact Machumane tried to refuse her calling, which she received in a dream, but became very ill until she gave in and began training. She trained until she was sixteen at which point she "pumered" or became an official Sangoma. When I met Machumane we were both twenty. I was a liberal arts student from a private school in central Minnesota and she was an African witch doctor: clearly we had much in common.

The night we met, Machumane was to dance herself into a trance so that she could communicate to her ancestors for advice and guidance in regards to healing a member of her tribe. Machumane's colors are red and white. She wears red and white beads around each wrist and ankle, around her neck. Her hair is laced with what appears to be a mane of red and white beads. Around her waist is wrapped a skirt of dangling pieces of fabric; around her ankles she wears rattles made out of beer bottle caps.

Machumane begins with burning a plant that is supposed to ward of evil spirits and promote a positive atmosphere. The dance begins with drums, a horn, and a chorus of voices. Apparently Machumane's is a particularly musical family meaning that her trance utilizes more music than most. She cannot get into the dance without the drums. This means that if she wakes up in the middle of the night and needs to do a dance, her family wakes up with her to bang the drums. Everywhere I look in this cow-dunned hut, there are kids. This is Africa where your niece is your daughter and your cousin your brother. With so many children running around and joining the music, it is impossible to tell who belongs to who. I think it is because here, everyone belongs to everyone.

The actual dance is hard to follow. Here is this woman, entirely in her own element, gallivanting around this kitchen hut, marching, kicking, skipping to the beat, and it is hard not to acknowledge that she and this are beyond words. She is moving to the rhythm in her head.. to the voices and spirits inside of her. They are leading her steps and her music. At times, she puts down her hands and gets quiet. She kneels on the floor and begins a call and answer session with the audience. She is calling for the ancestors. She gets up and begins again with new energy and song. And the trance goes on like this for over an hour. Sometimes she is weeping, at others, she is obviously rejoicing. And the drums, the horn, the singing and the dancing continue on. Eventually, Machumane casually bends over and begins to release the rattles at her feet. We are told it is over.

I don't have a clue what the words that were sung and spoken meant. I don't know what a trance feels like or what she dreams and how she heals people. I do know that this is a deeply prevalent part of their culture. It is something they believe in wholeheartedly. It is an honor to have this call; to be this person in their society. And to them, this dance, this trance, is normal. This is their everyday.

This is their everyday and it is so far from my everyday it is unbelievable, there is little comparison. I try to dance with them. I am clumsy. My feet don't move in that way; my body doesn't flow naturally to that rhythm. I look awkward and out of place. And then, suddenly, without even realizing it, I am singing along. I know this song. I am in Africa, in a hut, dancing wildly and foolishly with the friends and family of a local witch doctor, and I know the words to the song... "Shosholoza." Echo, "Shosholoza" .. it's about a train coming from South Africa. That is all I know, but it is enough to be really and truly a part of this moment here and now, to feel completely and utterly at home, in my own element.

The next day I eat lunch at Machumane's hut. She cooks chicken and cabbage; it is delicious. Because of this, I spend the next three days with the most wretched food poisoning I have ever experienced in my life. I have never before nor since felt so much like my body was rejecting itself in its' totality. The food poisoning in conjunction with the captivating quality of Machumane's dance is a perfect metaphor for my entire experience of Africa. Africa to me is a combination of opposites: pain and healing, love and hate, sickness and life, the beautiful and the ugly... dancing and retching.

Africa to me is more than words can describe. Today, I hope that my student can find as much wisdom and life there as I did. Today, I hope that somewhere, Machumane is thriving, living her call, dancing to drums.

I wonder...

Often I am reminded of a fudge selling man I met in South Africa named Keith. Upon leaving South Africa after four months, Keith told me, "That’s why you have four parts to your heart; so you can leave one here (Africa) when you go home.”

Almost seven years later, I have once again returned “home”, feeling as if I have left part of my heart behind. This time, I left it in Haiti. It’s an awful feeling, one that makes me almost physically sick. And yet, the pain and the longing are accompanied with gratitude. How grateful I am to have had this one, short week. How grateful I am to have met these people; to have found yet another beautiful place in which to leave a piece of my heart.

On my last plane ride home, I read Elle magazine. In it, Reese Witherspoon quoted Romeo and Juliet. Shakespeare wrote, “My bounty is as boundless as the sea. My love is deep. The more I give to thee, the more I have. For both are infinite.” I think that that almost perfectly describes this sort of blessing.

Yesterday morning I said good-bye to Alix, likely never to see him again. I have no picture to remember him by. I have nothing but the fading image in my head of him sleeping with his two forefingers in his mouth or his rare but captivating smile. A week ago, I had not met Alix. I wasn’t aware that he even existed. Without these days, I’m sure my life would have passed on without notice… I would not have felt the absence of his presence in my life. Now, I wonder how long I will worry about his continued existence.. about whether or not he continues to move and breathe and inhabit this same living world as me.

Alix is eight months old and he is sick. I watched as the Sisters struggled to put an IV into his tiny, fragile hands. His small body is too weak to sit up or stand or laugh. He is strong enough to eat, but not strong enough to keep the much needed nourishment inside of his failing body. I wonder if he’ll get better. I wonder if they’ll find a way to get his body to stop rejecting the very sustenance it needs to survive. And, if he does get well, I wonder if his young mother will have the means to take care of him anyhow.

Before I left him, all I could do was stroke his brow and offer him loving kindness:
May you be happy and peaceful.
May you be healthy and strong.
May you be safe and protected.
May you live your life with joy and ease.
That is all I could do. And, it has to be enough. It has to be enough or I won’t be able to fall asleep, or pay my bills, or go to work. How could anyone ever fall asleep in a world where helpless babies die daily if they couldn’t blindly trust that someway, somehow, everything was going to be okay?

I take a deep breath and realize that I am still trying to convince myself that everything is indeed going to be okay. Life is interesting. There are over six billion people on the planet and sometimes you can be surrounded by them and yet feel completely alone, lost, hopeless. At other times, you can be so close to just one person, one little Alix in your arms, that you can block the whole rest of the world out and rest assured that even if you were the only two living beings on the planet, all would be well. Your love would be infinite and you would never be alone.

As I descended into the Twin Cities, I noticed how the city lights sparkled like stars. In one day, I left mountains, and sunlight, and warmth to find flat lands, artificial light shining amidst natural darkness, and cold. It’s weird to think that all of this exists in the same world, the same life, the same day. I wonder exactly how this came to be my plot.. my tiny.. short.. fleeting.. beautiful.. deep place in this huge, never-ending universe. I wonder how Alix’s plot came to be his.

I wonder a lot of things.