Nathaniel Russell

"A positive religious faith does not offer an illusion that we shall be exempt from pain and suffering, nor does it imbue us with the idea that life is a drama of unalloyed comfort and untroubled ease. Rather, it instills us with the inner equilibrium needed to face strains, burdens, and fears that inevitably come, and assures us that the universe is trustworthy and that God is concerned." ~ Martin Luther King

A week and a half ago, my sister-in-law was due to have their second child; a boy to be named Nathaniel Russell. Instead, at 36 weeks and 7lbs 6oz, my nephew died before he was ever born. His blue eyes never opened; his brown, curly hair remained lifeless.

That’s not how it is supposed to work. When two people who love each other, two loving parents, get pregnant and spend months rearranging their lives in preparation, they’re supposed to come home from the hospital with a baby… a live, breathing, crying baby. They aren’t supposed to come home with nothing but a dead son to bury and an eight inch scar to serve as a permanent reminder of their loss.

The past week and a half has been full of uncharted territory. I helped my brother pick out a suit to wear to his son’s funeral. I helped him pick out a baby casket and a grave lot. I fought with his wife over a sip of water that the doctors didn’t want her to have but she was sure would be one of her final moments of joy. I held their daughter tight after a scary car accident happened while our cousin was trying to support our family by watching her for a few hours during this crazy and overwhelming time. All uncharted territory. All painful and hard, yet all sacred and holy.

These things happen. Shitty and unforgivable things happen. I can’t change that; we can’t change that. And that being the case, there is nowhere on earth I would rather be than by my brother’s side while he picks out a suit for his son’s funeral. These are sacred moments.

Life does not promise us ease or comfort, it does not promise to free us from harm or tragedy. It does not assure us that if we try hard and we are mostly good people, bad things won’t happen. On the contrary, life involves chaos; it involves a world and creation that is able to make choices and create itself along with all of the beauty and despair that comes with that.

Thankfully, however, life does not leave us alone. Life also involves love and relationships; people to accompany us along this uncharted journey.

I will miss Nathaniel… I will miss the dreams and expectations I had for him. I will miss the idea of him.

Mostly, however, I will choose to be grateful because of him.

I will be thankful that because of him, every time I see his sister or one of my four other nephews, I will hold them a little tighter. Because of him, I will refuse to say good-bye to my brother, his wife, or anyone I deeply care about without saying I love you first. Because of him, every time I look at my cousin or my roommate or my parents, I will remember how blessed I am to have so many people who care about me and support me.. so many people who truly want what’s best for me.

At the end of the day, Nathaniel is gone and that fact is devastating. And yet, Nathaniel remains as my constant reminder that the universe is indeed trustworthy and God is truly concerned. And for that, for Nathan, I will be eternally grateful.